Finally Fired

Posted: 05/16/2011 in Uncategorized

Not exactly. I think they will never fire me but in my imaginary world I have finally been freed from my enslavement but after the ecstasy fades away the real question becomes, “where the money at?” I’ve witnessed the coolness that follows a pink slip, the relaxation but the real frenzy starts soon after. How are the bills going to get paid, how is the fridge going to be full, how am I going to ride the train to find a job. Well thanks to Franklin D. Roosevelt, we have social services. Social services meaning unemployment, food stamps and welfare. Also things like Medicare and Medicaid. So I did my research to find out what exactly I would get if my job decided to give me the boot. So if I were to get unemployment they would give me a round about of 80 percent of my annual salary. So per year I make about $10,000 to $12,000, (yes I am below the poverty level). To add as a side note New York’s poverty rate (as per March 2010) is ranked number 17 in the nation. So 80% of $12,000 is $9,600 divide that by 12 (months) and I would get $800 a month. I would get this for about 26 weeks or until I was able to find a new job. Its not bad but it isn’t enough, so I would either have to make my roommates pay for the rest of my bills or get food stamps as well. Food stamps is a little more difficult for me to get because A. for a single person you have to have an annual income of exactly $10,000, which I didn’t make this year and B. because technical I am not a single person. They would want me to consider my roommates as well. But the issue I have with that is why would I include my roommates in my income. The government should take into consideration that roommates should not be considered significant others or spouses. We are separate entities. So with that being said unemployment is a yes and food stamps is a no. So fingers crossed that perhaps I won’t get fired and if I do would one of you hire me?


Okay so we’re back. Now if you haven’t read my previous “Thank You For Your Consideration” post, let me give you the run down. So basically I needed the chance to actually speak to you guys about this topic. I needed a verbal rant about how managers usually have no consideration for their workers, meaning they believe the rules don’t apply to them, or they just believe that they are super superior towards their workers. So in lieu of that post an interesting occurrence happened at my job and it was the perfect situation for this next post. I only work a couple of days at my job. One of the days I work with the manager who this blog is going to be about and the other day I work with a different manager that has his own set of inconsiderate problems. So the manager in question, lets call him Red, is a smart ass. Very sly and usually always has something to say, however he doesn’t say it out right. He is on of those stupid remarks kind of guy. He also curses alot. Yes, I know everyone curses however, don’t curse at me in hopes that I will do my work faster. That’s a big no. The next character in this story is Peter. Peter has been working for the company for about 19 years and he is a loud mouth. However he is completely and utterly easy to ignore. Why? Because he is this old Jamaican man thats rambles about everything in his old Jamaican accent and it is hilarious when he rambles because he doesn’t care what he says. His trademark pharse is, “we never cared.” That should show you that he really doesn’t care. Not to mention, Peters bark, at work, is bigger than his bite. He would never do something serious to jeopardize his job. But enough description. Basically what happen was Peter was told to go on register. Peter, however doesn’t do register, he is a stock guy and a stock guy only. There was four other people there that could go on register but Red was insistant on having Peter on register. Peter refused and Red clocked him out. The job is a union base job and I am pretty sure based on union rules that you cannot do that, however there is no factual evidence of that. So Peter starts to flip out, he begins rambling on and yelling away which is typical for him. In short Red calls the police and has Peter escorted out. I have opinions on this issue clearly but do you? Was he overreacting? Is it ever okay to call the police on an employee who isn’t a threat? Let me know!

A Work Story

Posted: 04/28/2011 in Uncategorized

There is only one way to describe my work place and that is through a slide show. Enjoy.

Speaking of Smelly

Posted: 04/05/2011 in Uncategorized

In lieu of the last post “Flattering Flatulence” , I was told by a viewer that there is something worse then some flatulence in the morning. I replied, “How could the smell of eggs minus the bagel or cheese have competition.” She replied, “The man who seems to never shower.” Yes the co-worker who believes that showers are above them and that they cannot subject themselves to something so trivial. Or perhaps it is a case bromhidrosis. This is a from of b.o. or body odor. Now the only cure, I am sad to say, is getting your ass up and into the shower. Of course there are medicinal cures like antiperspirants, topical antibiotics, but I mean unless you go to the doctor and he or she tells you that this is a serious problem just get up and shower. Now I’ve always asked myself, “Do smelly people know they smell? Or do they get to a certain level of stinky and then the light bulb clicks upstairs.” Well the stinky co-worker happens to have an answer for me: Yes he does know he smells. According to Blaze, the person who so graciously gave me this story to post, they have had frequent conversations on this guy smelly bod. She wasn’t quite sure how to approach him on the issue, so she just gave it her best shot and brought him a body wash set for Christmas. It didn’t work. So in the end what can she do? Should she do something drastic like these guys or should she just plug her nose and deal with it. Any suggestions? I know one things is for sure I hope he doesn’t have smelly fingers.

Flattering Flatulence

Posted: 03/29/2011 in Uncategorized

Don’t you find it irritating when you smell the air and you can smell summer coming and then the next day it snows and you can’t smell anything because your sick again? Yea me to. Well I also find it irritating when I can smell the new perfume I received for my birthday and that smell is interrupted by a dose of eggy flatulence. Samantha, the lead character of this story agrees with me. Her boss happens to be king of laying it down and not excusing himself. According to Samantha, “Farting is a normal occurrence. I completely agree with that and I am not saying that my boss shouldn’t fart BUT if you know that you are going to bend down right by my face and lay a silent but extremely deadly one, then we have a problem.” It also seems that Sam’s boss does this all the time. “He is constantly bending over next to me, to point something out on my computer, and then farting.” I asked well maybe he isn’t farting and perhaps his butt just stinks. She gives me this dirty look and says, ” I thought that but one day I heard it and lemme tell you, it was straight out of that Step Brothers movie.” Flabbergasted, I agree with her and saying he must be a frequent farter. When I asked her to describe the smell, she laughs and says, “Flattering Flatulence.”

If you have any funky stories you’d like to share, tell me. Leave a comment, send a message, let the farters of the world be heard on my blog.

Unemployed and Overjoyed

Posted: 03/17/2011 in Uncategorized

No I have not been fired, as my title implies, however that doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about it. I mean I completely despise my job and I am in the position in life where I cannot get my dream job because I have not finished school, so in essence I am stuck with what I have. It is retail to retail which means one shitty job to the next. So I googled how can I get fired and they had some great tips. But the greatest thing I found was that I can potentially get fired for this blog. According to a New York Times article there is no distinct line in employment law that separates professional and private internet fun. Meaning those naked pictures that some of us have online or funny blogs destroying the credibility of an unknown company (haha get it) yea they will fire you for those kind of things. Here’s a quote from the article:

“If you fail to maintain amorphous “professional” standards of conduct in your free time, you could lose your job.”

In other words even after you clock out of work and go to your home you have to behave as though you are still on clock. Well okay that’s fine however on my next check I expect 24hrs a day at 7 days a week which is 168hrs times that by 2 and that’s 336 hrs now times that by my pay rate which is $8.75, so in total if my job requires that I behave constantly then my two-week check should be $2940 before taxes. That’s not bad. In my case at least but not bad. The real question is: is my job going to do that? HELL NAW! So why should I be required to be on my “best behavior” outside of work when the company is not going to pay me for it? It is completely understandable when for instance my reputation is put upon the reputation of a company but for most jobs that isn’t true. So what if I like to drink, so what if I like to post my playboy pictures online, if it doesn’t affect my work ethic then it shouldn’t matter. So enjoy the links to different ways to get fired. Looks like I didn’t have to look at it seeing as how I have this blog and all. But by the way since you all think this blog is quite funny and I will probably get fired for this, um, are you guys going to hire me?


Loose Hairs

Posted: 03/14/2011 in Uncategorized

Sometimes you just have to brush your hair and that is the story that one of my readers has shared with me. So Alexis works at an office. Its a regular 9 to 5 job so it has all the essentials like a bathroom and a kitchen. I assume that most competent people know that a bathroom is a bathroom and a kitchen is a kitchen, however Alexis disagrees with me. It seems that at her job a kitchen can sometimes be a bathroom. Now before any of you start to go, “Holy shit did someone pee in the kitchen sink!”, know that it isn’t anything as obscene as that ( if you have witnessed absurd instances such as that one tell me about it!!!!). Now Alexis and another one of her co-workers is standing in the kitchen and doing what most people do in kitchens and that is eating. They are standing there eating, talking about life and in walks another co-worker with a strange object in hand. A hair brush. Alexis and her co-worker look at their co-worker and then at the brush and wonder, “why does she have a brush in her hand.” The girl puts the brush down on the counter and then goes into the fridge to get out a bottle of water. She takes the brush and starts to pull the leftover strands of hair out of the brush and onto the floor, all the while Alexis and the co-worker are staring at her, mouth wide open, eyes bulging. The girl then moves to the sink, puts a little water onto her brush and then brushes her hair over the sink. Alexis can see the loose hairs falling in the sink and the girls face staring dreamily into the wall in front of her. After the girl’s hair was nice and primp, she picks up her water bottle and leaves the kitchen. My only thought is that perhaps she does not know that in a kitchen there is food and plates and that maybe nobody wants to have loose hair all over the place. Needless to say she clearly does not know that a bathroom is a bathroom and a kitchen is a kitchen. Or maybe the bathroom was full? What do you think?