Archive for March, 2011

Flattering Flatulence

Posted: 03/29/2011 in Uncategorized

Don’t you find it irritating when you smell the air and you can smell summer coming and then the next day it snows and you can’t smell anything because your sick again? Yea me to. Well I also find it irritating when I can smell the new perfume I received for my birthday and that smell is interrupted by a dose of eggy flatulence. Samantha, the lead character of this story agrees with me. Her boss happens to be king of laying it down and not excusing himself. According to Samantha, “Farting is a normal occurrence. I completely agree with that and I am not saying that my boss shouldn’t fart BUT if you know that you are going to bend down right by my face and lay a silent but extremely deadly one, then we have a problem.” It also seems that Sam’s boss does this all the time. “He is constantly bending over next to me, to point something out on my computer, and then farting.” I asked well maybe he isn’t farting and perhaps his butt just stinks. She gives me this dirty look and says, ” I thought that but one day I heard it and lemme tell you, it was straight out of that Step Brothers movie.” Flabbergasted, I agree with her and saying he must be a frequent farter. When I asked her to describe the smell, she laughs and says, “Flattering Flatulence.”

If you have any funky stories you’d like to share, tell me. Leave a comment, send a message, let the farters of the world be heard on my blog.

Unemployed and Overjoyed

Posted: 03/17/2011 in Uncategorized

No I have not been fired, as my title implies, however that doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about it. I mean I completely despise my job and I am in the position in life where I cannot get my dream job because I have not finished school, so in essence I am stuck with what I have. It is retail to retail which means one shitty job to the next. So I googled how can I get fired and they had some great tips. But the greatest thing I found was that I can potentially get fired for this blog. According to a New York Times article there is no distinct line in employment law that separates professional and private internet fun. Meaning those naked pictures that some of us have online or funny blogs destroying the credibility of an unknown company (haha get it) yea they will fire you for those kind of things. Here’s a quote from the article:

“If you fail to maintain amorphous “professional” standards of conduct in your free time, you could lose your job.”

In other words even after you clock out of work and go to your home you have to behave as though you are still on clock. Well okay that’s fine however on my next check I expect 24hrs a day at 7 days a week which is 168hrs times that by 2 and that’s 336 hrs now times that by my pay rate which is $8.75, so in total if my job requires that I behave constantly then my two-week check should be $2940 before taxes. That’s not bad. In my case at least but not bad. The real question is: is my job going to do that? HELL NAW! So why should I be required to be on my “best behavior” outside of work when the company is not going to pay me for it? It is completely understandable when for instance my reputation is put upon the reputation of a company but for most jobs that isn’t true. So what if I like to drink, so what if I like to post my playboy pictures online, if it doesn’t affect my work ethic then it shouldn’t matter. So enjoy the links to different ways to get fired. Looks like I didn’t have to look at it seeing as how I have this blog and all. But by the way since you all think this blog is quite funny and I will probably get fired for this, um, are you guys going to hire me?

 

Loose Hairs

Posted: 03/14/2011 in Uncategorized

Sometimes you just have to brush your hair and that is the story that one of my readers has shared with me. So Alexis works at an office. Its a regular 9 to 5 job so it has all the essentials like a bathroom and a kitchen. I assume that most competent people know that a bathroom is a bathroom and a kitchen is a kitchen, however Alexis disagrees with me. It seems that at her job a kitchen can sometimes be a bathroom. Now before any of you start to go, “Holy shit did someone pee in the kitchen sink!”, know that it isn’t anything as obscene as that ( if you have witnessed absurd instances such as that one tell me about it!!!!). Now Alexis and another one of her co-workers is standing in the kitchen and doing what most people do in kitchens and that is eating. They are standing there eating, talking about life and in walks another co-worker with a strange object in hand. A hair brush. Alexis and her co-worker look at their co-worker and then at the brush and wonder, “why does she have a brush in her hand.” The girl puts the brush down on the counter and then goes into the fridge to get out a bottle of water. She takes the brush and starts to pull the leftover strands of hair out of the brush and onto the floor, all the while Alexis and the co-worker are staring at her, mouth wide open, eyes bulging. The girl then moves to the sink, puts a little water onto her brush and then brushes her hair over the sink. Alexis can see the loose hairs falling in the sink and the girls face staring dreamily into the wall in front of her. After the girl’s hair was nice and primp, she picks up her water bottle and leaves the kitchen. My only thought is that perhaps she does not know that in a kitchen there is food and plates and that maybe nobody wants to have loose hair all over the place. Needless to say she clearly does not know that a bathroom is a bathroom and a kitchen is a kitchen. Or maybe the bathroom was full? What do you think?

Correction!

Posted: 03/14/2011 in Uncategorized

In the last post I made an error the hyperlink doesn’t bring you anywhere so this is the new hyperlink. Sorry!

Sometimes I question my bosses. Correction all of the time I question my boss and I think that that is the case with most people. So I made a podcast talking about work ethic. Mainly it is the lack of ethics coming from my boss. This is going to be part one of a series of posts dedicated to the lack of ethical values coming from my boss and other employees. So comment below and remember to send me some of your job horror stories. Ciao!

Stop who goes there!?! Sometimes at work when we are in the back room, we tend to want to be in there to perform foolery. We need a break from the “over exertion” and the overt stupidity. So we sit in the backroom and think of ways to mess with our other co-workers. Strawberry Shortcake, a co-worker, is a tad bit up tight so she is extremely fun to mess with. One day she was complaining about the fact that she was the only one packing out overstock (overstock would be items from past trucks that could not fit  on to the shelves). She really wasn’t the only one doing overstock considering that I had just finished my totes right before she said that. So my other co-workers, Tina and X, decided to come up with a plan to lock her out of the backroom. For some odd and random reason we found bungee cords and caution tape in the back room. There is really no clear necessity for these objects except to assist in the barricading of the backroom. Thus we have this video…

 

 

I guess we proved her right in the end. Clearly we weren’t doing our work at the moment, but at least she cracked a smile and started messing with us back.

Sometimes in life you have to take leaps of faith. Whether they are metaphorical or literal. This leap would be put under the category of literal. My co-worker Will is a fit guy. He goes to the gym regularly and has practiced tae kwon do. So in short, Will randomly does back flips in the store to maintain his nimbleness. One evening my co-worker Monroe and I were packing out a stack of totes (containers sent from the warehouse containing merchandise) on the floor. As we are putting the items on the shelf, Monroe takes a step back and all of a sudden Will comes bounding down the aisle and hurdles over the stack of totes. The stack of totes were probably 4 ft high. Monroe was completely shocked because if she had not moved out of the way Will would have jumped over her. So I asked Will, “Do you think you can jump over Monroe?” He looks at her and nods his head and smiles this cocky smile. “I can frog leap over her.” We all start to laugh. Monroe is 5’7” how can a person frog leap over that height. So we dared Will and needless to say he did it. He accomplished this task with ease and precession. We now call him the frog with the black belt.